I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
