I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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