on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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