My underwear smells like fireworks.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
