Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia