I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.