His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?