two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(