Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.