Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
