Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
