Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
