How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
MIDGETS
????
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
