Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
