id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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