we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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