i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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