I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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