she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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