Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
