he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
