I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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