Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I cockslap morals
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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