does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
