I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
