Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
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Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
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Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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