You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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