my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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