I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
