The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
