guys are only as good as the porn they watch
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Randomize
