i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
