new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
