I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
