I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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