I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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