imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
