i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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