I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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