You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
