and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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