whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
