So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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