i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
NoShamevember. You game?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
