i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Edward fifth and chaser hands
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The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
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I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
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