The maid of honor just puked.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
