Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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