why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
