so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
