So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
