I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
you would pick up someone in the library
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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