...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Hippo gnu deer
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
