He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
