I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
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