i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
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So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
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My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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