Umm I'm too high to move.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
