At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
