My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Can you bring me the toilet please
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
